Chasing after healing instead of God
Christos Chicago Tending the Holy Coordinator Cecilia Whitacre shares reflections and musings to encourage others in the ministry of spiritual direction. Her words below talk about the practice of healing … a journey that can be slow and hidden.
So often in my journey - and what I see in the lives of many others - is that we are chasing after and longing for faster, bigger and quicker healing. Wanting more, more and more seems to be the American way. Of course we want healing, but often healing is happening slowly, even mysteriously and may be hidden. In America (and sadly sometimes in our churches) we love the big WOW, the big AHA, the fantastic. I confess I used to catch myself putting that expectation of wanting more “wow” on spiritual direction (and my other ministries).
But spiritual direction often feels like a slow burn to me, it has the long-game in mind, the eternal.
Sometimes I’ll get an “aha” or clarity when I’m sharing out loud but other times it’s in the perseverance of it, in the reflecting back on the month or year where I see in hindsight the slow healing or growth that the Lord has brought over time. I’m learning to grow and be okay with that Patient Trust in “the slow work of God” that de Chardin speaks of.
The gift of spiritual direction is often just having someone to listen and process with … to hold that space. There is such power in its simplicity that we often miss it. I’ve been meeting with the same director now for almost 8 years and she can sometimes see from her birdseye view what she’s been a witness to over those years of our meetings that I often don’t see or may have forgotten. If I didn’t continue to receive spiritual direction, I don’t think I would notice as much of the healing and growth the Lord has done and how he’s been with me through it all.
Often, I have found myself and others not fully understanding that healing is slow, hidden and it starts with simply finding a safe place to be honest with God. This could actually take years in and of itself.
“Let me say that again, this finding, building creating a safe place and home with God can take years - it is the journey.”
So much of the work and healing we do in the beginning, when we start to be intentional about it and our spiritual life, is the simple act of growing our “attachment” (the psychology term we now use) to God.
Growing in feeling safe and loved by God takes a lifetime and often the healing and growth we seek will only come from that deep relationship (and because of it).
I was often focused on getting something specific healed and God is gracious to me for sure in helping with certain issues… but I found God always seemed more interested and focused on inviting me to simply spend time with Him.
I’d be saying; “come on, let’s hurry this up… so I can get on with this or that….for you God!”
And he keeps teaching me I can’t put the “cart before the horse” so to speak.
I love studying and doing lots of different things to grow and heal like; therapy, spiritual exercises, prayer methods, bible studies, somatic and spiritual practices- and we need them. But what we need and what is often happening is this slow-burn of healing our connection under the surface as we do them. The whole point of a spiritual practice is to place ourselves in God’s presence, which is where healing happens. But the practice itself is never the end goal. Healing isn’t even the end goal! God is.
“Don’t miss that. We can chase after healing when God is literally right there.”
That is spiritual direction to me. Don’t get distracted or confused by the name of this ministry. We simply come together to notice where God is, what he is doing, where he is moving and directing us. We listen for his whispers and touches … witness and give words to his presence or moments of felt absence … and ultimately speak of our love and desire for him and find his for us.
Finding and growing our love for God is happening and we often miss it. Finding and trusting in His love for us- through that - God builds and strengthens our attachment, our bond to him and through him we are healed (Is 53:5). He grows our capacity to even look at past traumas and hurts, and we cannot change the order of that. Oh, how I’ve tried! “Just heal me Lord, I know I have this trauma, and I can even see ways in which it affects me still. Let’s go! Hurry up please, I have more things to do… for you.” But he always invites me with that knowing smile, to slow down and sit awhile.
I like to work hard, to get things done, to move on to the next thing. I want to help more people. “I’m tired already of this issue, Lord,” I tell him.
And he keeps saying over and over, “Come to me. Yes, you who are weary and heavy laden, you who know you still have some trauma to heal, and yes, I will give you rest. But remember, Cecilia, it isn’t in your doing, it isn’t in this practice or that. It is in your coming and being with Me that you are healed and made whole. In your simple sitting with Me you receive all I have for you. All you need. Receive first My Love. Receive first My safe place for you to just come and belong and be.”
God has used spiritual direction to teach me and give me a taste of what a truly safe place even feels like with another human. I grew up through a lot of trauma, other’s addictions and dysfunction and didn’t really know what healthy was until later in my life.*
“In spiritual direction there is no agenda, much to my frustrations initially. My director didn’t need me to do or be something for her. I came wanting to be fixed and was so focused on that I often missed how God was already present. ”
Spiritual direction is a place where no one is judging me or trying to fix me or give me advice or move me further down the road or even trying to get me healed. They don’t use a marker to assess my growth or some scale to evaluate my progress, although sometimes we do celebrate shifts, healing and growth - but it’s the overflow not the goal.
What a gift spiritual direction has been, where I’ve gotten more glimpses of how God amazingly loves me and hears me… unconditionally loves me, …doesn’t need anything from me (Acts 17:24) …is my safe refuge (Ps 91:2) is not condemning me (Rm 8:1) and leads me to experience Christ dying for me yet loving me fully while I am still unfinished, unhealed and a sinner (Ro 5:8). My brain can’t compute it, but my heart has felt it and experienced it.
He says, “Come … and everything else will take care of itself in Me and in My timing.”
And once again, I release a deep grateful sigh of relief.
(I am a big supporter of therapy and inner healing and see the Lord use many of these things. What I’m describing in my reflections here is the dynamic of chasing after healing instead of the Lord. - Cecilia)
